I can still remember the day I walked into pastor’s office on April 9, 2015. I was in so much pain emotionally. I was full of self-hate and shame, living depressed and anxious. I couldn't function in my relationships with my husband, my kids, and my mom. I couldn't make simple decisions. I was believing lies in my head that I should just end it all and spare everyone. I was pondering and really thinking of a plan to do it. One day my husband said I have to go to this appointment with the pastor. I recall feeling so full of shame when I got there and crying because I didn't want anyone to see me that way. No one ever got close enough to see!
In the office, we talked and during that time we talked about how God loves me and He thinks I'm nice and that I'm good. I heard it but I didn't accept it or believe it in my heart. I felt a little better and made a choice to tell myself every day that I'm nice and I am good.
About a week later I opened myself up to talk to someone and meet regularly to keep the healing process going. I did some work with a friend, had a Sozo (inner healing prayer and deliverance) and maintained fellowship with my friend.
As well, to get support, I began to open up to some longtime friends who had no idea what we had been experiencing. One day I shared with my friend and she told me about a woman who is gifted in praying for inner healing. I met this gifted friend and I received deliverance from self-hate and shame that day! I was able to hug that little girl inside of me for the first time! I committed to meet weekly with my friends they walk with me through this journey for inner healing. We continue to meet weekly individually and as a group for prayer and discipleship. God has broken off depression and anxiety. I have not used medication since July and don't need it. Soul ties have been broken and joy has been restored. My relationships are strengthened. I'm able to open myself up to friendships. The fear that was a huge part of my life and my need to be in control at all times has been smashed and obliterated! God is in control. I'm learning to trust God for all things and to be in a relationship with Him and others. I'm learning how to manage my emotions by submitting them to God! I'm learning how to like myself and even love myself and see ME how God sees ME. I'm learning about how He has put some things inside me, my gifts. He is giving me dreams and my hope is back. My words are changing. My faith is growing. My heart is feeling free to love without judging or conditions.
I am a work in progress! My life used to be like a roller coaster with huge dips and steep highs but now it's more like small waves of ups and downs steady and consistent. Through it all, I now know I'm not alone.
It's been almost 8 months since I walked into the pastor's office. God has donegreat things! He is getting me ready! In this season of fasting and prayer, I want to deepen my relationship with Jesus. I can't wait to see what else He is going to do as I walk by faith and he leads me!
Anchored in Christ,